The Five Week Wait

Every single time I’ve had an embryo transfer, it’s been a cruel double-edged sword for me.

I’ve always implanted, which is great news. And then I’ve miscarried within the 1st trimester, which is soul-destroying.

Implantation is no small thing, and I don’t take it for granted. There are many women who never experience implantation, as their wombs and embryos just don’t match up, don’t signal to each other, and the environment can potentially be ‘hostile’. I get that I’m fortunate to not have this particular problem, in addition to the other issues of our fertility journey. But it’s very much a double-edged sword because implantation now has started to mean very little to me (which is sad, but understandable).

I implant, great. I take a pregnancy test and it’s positive, great. But it’s all become a bit ‘meh’, because every time it’s happened, it’s ended in heartache, and I almost just wish I hadn’t have had the extra few weeks of hope that implantation has brought.

Biologically I can’t carry my own child without implantation, but I also can’t allow myself to be happy about a positive pregnancy test when I know that just a few short weeks later I could be faced with the ever-familiar heartache of impending miscarriage. It’s a bitter-sweet situation to be in. I’m happy I’ve implanted, and I’m happy that the hope of a little baby is still alive. But experience and self-preservation tell me to be on guard – to prepare for the worst and not build my hopes up.

So, MY real 2 week wait is actually a 5 week wait – it’s the wait to reach my first scan at 7 weeks.


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